This tumour first made itself known through my right eye. I woke up one night with immense pain in my head, and after a few hours my eye bulged out and my vision doubled. It was only after surgery six weeks later that my vision, and the eye itself, finally went back to normal.
Things remained unchanged until late 2015, when the same happened again – immense pain, bulging right eye, busted vision – only this time Doctors and Surgeons decided to leave it alone, knowing it would repair itself over time, which it did, returning to normal after just a few weeks.
It was sometime in 2016… or 2017, honestly I can’t remember anymore, when I started suffering my now regular eye aches.
These eye aches involved immense migraine-like pain so severe I could do nothing but lay in bed, often only getting up to throw up multiple times, and sometimes these episodes were so bad they’d cause my right eye to bulge out like it did back in 2014 and 2015. There were also times when the white of my eye would blister and swell, with me unable to close my eyelids over my own eye. Thankfully it would always recover over time.
In 2018, these eye aches became so regular, occurring once or twice a month, it was decided to attempt surgery in order to ease the pain and deal with the now-growing tumour behind the eye.
That surgery was completed at the beginning of 2019, and though a large chunk of tumour was removed, the eye itself was damaged beyond repair, losing almost all sight and most of its movement.
Not only that, but after biopsy it was discovered the tumour was Cancer…
Although I had to deal with the shock of Cancer, I thankfully didn’t have to deal with those eye aches, which honestly was a huge relief. But towards the end of last year the eye aches returned, and since the beginning of this year they’ve become incredibly frequent. As regular as they were in 2018.
So on Monday, this week, the inevitable happened, and I gave the go ahead for Surgeons to start making plans to remove my right eye once and for all, with the intention to remove as much of the tumour behind it as possible. All in an effort to give me some comfort.
The date for that surgery is August 12th. Which means in just over two weeks time my right eye will leave my body, never to return.
It’s a strange thing to announce, even stranger to feel good about. But, for the most part, I do feel good about it. The pains and problems are far too regular, there’s no sight in that eye, no use, and I just don’t like the way it looks.
But feeling so sure of such a monumental decision doesn’t change the fact it’s just that – A monumental decision. And I’m pretty certain the days immediately after my eye’s removal will come as a shock. Some form of regret will most certainly raise its ugly head. Reality will, perhaps, hit hard…
I wouldn’t say the removal of an eye is life-changing in a physical way, though the physical change is no doubt immensely noticeable, but the attack on the mind itself, and the strength needed to accept it is surely something that takes time. Not to mention the responsibility that comes with giving the go ahead to something like this. The Surgeons may perform the surgery, but I gave the word. And there’s no going back.
But needs must, and I NEED these pains and aches to go away. They’ve dictated my life long enough. I’ve wasted so many days stuck in bed, unable to do anything, unable to concentrate, unable even to talk without feeling like I’m going to throw up.
The one thing you don’t want when dealing with Cancer is to feel as though you’re wasting valuable time. And that’s exactly what dealing with these crippling eye aches feel like – a depressing waste of existence.
Besides, as I’ve said multiple times now, and something I’m strangely looking forward too – Replacement eyes are apparently indistinguishable from the real thing. Even able to move. I’ve heard many reassuring stories of people completely unaware of someone with a fake eye until that person has revealed it themselves. It’s possible I might look better with a replacement eye than I do now with my useless real eye.
And that’s a good thing. Because, regardless of all my talk of internal strength over the years and all the difficult things I can deal with in life, there really is a voice in my head that likes to regularly put me down and make me feel uncomfortable when I talk to people, telling me my eye looks horrible, that the person knows it, they’re disgusted by it, and I’m a freak, blah blah blah…
With that annoying voice gone, and with a good enough replacement eye, I might actually feel like I did before 2014. Happy to talk and chat with anyone and everyone without a care in the world ….well, there’s the Cancer of course. But still, the point stands!
It’s all a slow process though, I won’t get that replacement straight away. I’ll have to live with a temporary fake eye for about two months before a proper matching eye replaces it for good.
And once the proper eye is in, I’ll be living a strange new reality. Because, though you don’t have to worry about the temporary eye, the proper replacement, the fake I get to keep, I’ll have to get used to cleaning from time to time. And the idea of popping my own eye out feels utterly bizarre, let alone trying to get it back in again.
I had contact lenses for a few years and I was pretty useless at keeping them clean…
Here’s to hoping I learn quick.
Still, at this stage, anything is better than these relentless and often crippling pains and aches. And thankfully, the surgery itself is very routine, taking less than an hour. I’ll be in hospital for just one night.
Though, thanks to these bizarre times, I have to isolate myself for two weeks before surgery. Just when things have been relaxed over here and we’re able to see friends and spend time together, I have to go back into isolation!
As if to remind me why isolation really isn’t a big deal though, why I need this surgery, and why it matters, I had one heck of an eye ache on Friday, leaving me completely exhausted Saturday. I wasn’t even sure I’d have the energy to write this today.
I should have written more, I could have written more. The actual loss of an eye warrants more. But I’m so tired from this most recent episode of intense pain I just haven’t got it in me.
And I guess that says it all really.
It’s had a good run, this right eye …kind of. It did up until 2014, anyway. Maybe I’ll write a little something about it in the next few weeks. A farewell. It deserves that much, I suppose, especially as it’s a rare green eye. Maybe I’ll take a few pictures, too. A before and after.
Whatever I do, the eye must go.
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The Unmisunderstood 