I know how to wait.

How long has it been now? Nearly six weeks?

Nearly six weeks since I was told my Cancer had spread. Nearly six weeks since I realised things really could end sooner rather than later for me.

 

In that time, and with the valuable assistance of my family, I’ve done everything I can possibly do myself to halt or at least slow down the Cancers growth, diet being the most fundamental. And friends have also given important advice and tips on other things I can try. Which I have.

So with everything I can do now done, I wait for news elsewhere.

 

In terms of that news elsewhere, there’s been some activity.

The Royal Marsden, a very prestigious hospital in London, one I briefly visited earlier this year in fact, have been in regular contact.

Unfortunately, there aren’t any clinical trials I can try at this time, but they referred me to the Drugs Development Unit, a department that trials drugs which have just left the lab and are being tested on humans for the first time.

It involves a great deal of unknown, alongside the potential for serious side effects, and perhaps the worst piece of information was being told that out of all the people taking part in drug trials, only 5-10% see any benefit…

Still, when there’s so few other options, and given what no options would actually mean for me, 5-10% doesn’t sound all that bad. It also helps to know breakthrough Cancer treatment like Immunotherapy was once a simple drug trial.

Regardless of all this low percentage/breakthrough treatment banter, a week later I was told the severe side effects I suffered to my Liver during my Immunotherapy treatment last year, alongside the rareness of my Cancer, meant there wasn’t anything for me, but they’ll keep me in mind for any future trials.

So I wait.

 

I had a discussion with an eye surgeon (Saul) a few weeks ago about removing as much of the tumour behind my right eye and around my sinuses as possible. This wasn’t to make any difference to the Cancer itself, but simply to help alleviate increasingly regular eye aches.

After being told it might be a good idea to remove my eye once and for all during this surgery, I was advised to go away and consider things and then email when I’d made a decision.

My mind was already made up – The eye is useless to me. I can’t see out of it, I don’t like the way it looks, and all it’s doing while there is causing me crippling pain – I want it gone. I want the pain gone. (Not to mention the fact I really fancy a nice pint of something strong. And given the fact alcohol always seemed to effect the eye, with the eye gone, surely I can enjoy a drink?) …that’s the theory anyway.

Also, as I’ve said before, replacement eyes are apparently indistinguishable from the real thing. If that’s the case, I might look somewhat normal again, which would certainly help in feeling somewhat normal again.

So I emailed a week later, having dealt with constant eye aches that even now haven’t fully gone away, (I’ve been on painkillers of some kind, including strong prescription ones, for the entirety of these six weeks) and I asked to get the ball rolling on surgery.

That was about two weeks ago… So I’m waiting. (I’ve since been promised a response sometime next week)

 

In terms of other clinical trials, one potential I’m still waiting on is a hospital in Southampton, and there’s a paid private option in Manchester if all else fails, though that isn’t a definite. Nothing is really.

So I continue to wait.

 

As you can see, there’s been a whole lot of waiting, but there’s been activity as well. People are looking out for me, attempting to help me, and just knowing such a thing is relief enough.

And honestly, I don’t mind all this waiting. It might sound bizarre to some, or many, but waiting feels like a valuable respite between this relentless chaos, a moment to relax.

When I’m told I’ll get a call ‘next week’, there isn’t any anxiety, any demand or want to know right now. No, to me, a call in a week’s time means a week off. A week to unwind, to relax and find peace before then getting serious for that one day.

I really don’t mind waiting.

Besides, I’ve explained in a past blog post how worry and anxiety serves no purpose but to damage both the body and the mind –

“Fear is for the moment, as is worry. It’s a special kind of energy designed to throw you into action. It’s meant to feel uncomfortable, even poisonous, in order to have you ‘do’ rather than ‘be’. We all inevitably experience some kind of fear and worry during our existence, and what we have to ‘do’ is overcome these uncomfortable feelings. Know they’re not meant to last. Because to ‘be’ afraid, to hold it within you, is to give that poison time. And given time, poison ruins everything.”

My priority is the peace of the mind, and the well-being of the body. I won’t take part in any worry or anxiety. None of it.

 

It helps that I feel confident in the changes I’ve made in terms of hopefully slowing the Cancer. I was also told during one of the many phone calls I’ve had, that what has grown into my Lungs and Liver is currently absolutely minuscule, and a general characteristic of my Cancer/tumour has been one of very slow growth. So that helps.

 

For now, I wait. I gladly wait.

In the words of Mr Bastard, the TV license man in an episode of The Young Ones –

“I know how to wait. I’ve dealt with your type before.”

And, to me, waiting involves adding to my music collection, playing games, watching the shows that make me laugh, catching up with the people I love, and enjoying the feeling of integrity that comes with responding to the unknown with a smile.

I know how to wait.

 

Much love friends.

 

 

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